Muslim Family Today

Having worked in schools and juvenile detention centers, I’ve seen an increase in the number of angry children.    The violence in schools is increasing and there are no longer the minor physical altercations which may result in a black eye.  Today children are bringing weapons to school such as  knives, guns, and bombs to express their anger.

Anger as an emotion is a normal feeling.  It exists in everyone.  On occasion, anger can be a useful tool in protecting our rights or our feelings.  Chronic anger however can have negative consequences on our mental and physical health as well as on our personal relationships.  When anger goes untreated, and children do not learn to appropriately deal with their conflicts, anger becomes chronic.

There are many reasons a child’s anger could become chronic.  A child might tire of getting teased or harassed daily at school.  Some might be subject to repeated rejection by their peers, while others are faced with repeated failure in school.  Some children may become angry because they are repeatedly and excessively punished at home or feel the punishment is unfair.  Children also can learn anger from the adults in their environment or role models they watch on TV.  When a child sees their parent or favorite TV character expressing his/her feelings by screaming, hitting, or throwing objects, they learn it’s normal to behave this way when angry.  Children can also internalize anger, feel despair and hopeless, as well as become depressed if they grow up in a hostile or critical home.

TEACHING ANGER MANAGEMENT

It’s very important to teach children anger management at a very young age.  Teach children it is normal to feel angry, especially if someone’s hurt their feelings but at the same time teach them how seeking revenge will not resolve their problem.  Help them identify the feelings associated with anger and teach them how this anger affects them physically (heart beating fast, fist clenched, breathing harder, face muscles tightening, eyes squinting, etc.).  Anger can also make your child feel like hitting or screaming.  It’s normal to feel this way but not to act on those feelings.

Begin talking to your child about how to respond appropriately to anger when they are calm and receptive to the conversation.  Teaching them anger management skills when they are in the middle of being angry is not helpful.  Below is a list of things you can do to help your child regulate their emotions while appropriately dealing with anger.

1. Teach children to talk out their anger…using words rather than their hands to resolve conflict.  Talking about their anger will help them feel better and help them come up with an appropriate solution to the conflict.
2. Teach children calming strategies to help him/her redirect themselves when angry.  Deep breathing, counting to 10, listening to music, getting engaged in a favorite activity are all great strategies for helping children appropriately deal with anger.  You might have to demonstrate for your child how to do the deep breathing exercises (putting his/her hand on the stomach as they take a deep breath through their nose or mouth while watching their belly fill with air.  Then slowly exhaling and watching the belly deflate like a balloon.  Repeat this 2 times and bring their awareness to how calm their body feels).
3. Encourage  your child to ask an adult to resolve a conflict they are having with a peer or sibling (telling parent or teacher about a conflict rather than taking matters into their own hands)
4. Teach them a cue to remind them about using calming strategies when angry (putting hand on their belly to remind them to breathe deeply).
5. Role-play with your child about a recent episode that involved anger.  Brainstorm appropriate solutions and incorporate calming strategies.
6. Teach children to learn from their anger and help them recall how they felt physically (what signs they recall about their body.  Did their face get hot, did they clench their fists, were they breathing hard, etc.).  When they learn to catch their anger early, they can immediately incorporate calming strategies in order to prevent an explosion.
7. Talk to your child about how they could’ve handled the situation differently in the future.  Discuss how they felt about the way the situation was handled and how they could react differently in a similar situation in the future.
8. Lastly, role model for your children how to appropriately deal with anger.  When you are angry, practice appropriate ways of dealing with your anger.  Take a time out and let your child know you must take a time out to calm down.  Afterwards come back and discuss your feelings with your child.  Use I messages to get your point across.  Rather than say “you never do this”, instead say “I’m upset about your toys being all over the floor.  I would like for you to pick up your toys and put them away”.

Young children have difficulty expressing their feelings in words.  You can teach your child to express their feelings using drawings and then ask them questions about the picture they drew.   You can also use feeling charts with different facial expressions to ask how your child is feeling.  Have them point to the picture that resembles their feelings best.

It is very important to not take your child’s anger at you personally.  Children need to learn to feel anger and learn from it.  If they are punished for feeling angry, they will learn to internalize that anger.  Although not always easy to do, stay calm when your child is angry and walk away if you must.  The lessons they learn at a young age will help them the rest of their lives.